There’s a post-it note on my computer that says, “Don’t know. Keep going.”
I wrote it to remind myself that when I don’t know what’s truly right for me, when I’m conflicted about which move to make or what path to take, to not let this state of “not knowing” keep me stuck or stagnant. To instead move forward and trust whatever is calling to me in that moment.
For years, “not knowing” was my archenemy. A vicious, recurring virus that would infect my best intentions, dry up my inspiration and leave me stuck, depleted and unable to do anything. Plans, goals and ideas that thrilled me one week suddenly made no sense. “I don’t know, I’m not sure, I don’t know, I don’t know” was a manta I repeated frequently.
And I hated it.
Because let’s face it, knowing feels so much better than not knowing. Who doesn’t love knowing what to do, when to do it, and how to get it done? We thrive when we’re clear, certain and on fire for the path that lies before us.
Knowing. It’s a natural high.
Which is why not knowing feels like coming down after a bad acid trip. Not that I know what a bad acid trip feels like, much less coming down off of one, but I imagine it feels pretty lousy.
There’s a desperate, “get me out of here” kind of feeling anytime we get confused or conflicted and we don’t know what to think or what to do. It feels like an emergency, something that must be fixed and fast.
So, we hire a coach. Go to a psychic. Get an astrology reading. We take personality tests, passion tests, and strength tests. We download books, search online, talk to friends and experts.
We do everything we can to get out of the discomfort and discouragement of not knowing.
And why not?
After all, being clear, confident, and on purpose are prerequisites for “making it” as an entrepreneur, right? And not knowing, well, that’s for big fat losers, non-committal ninnies and wishy-washy wannabes.
Or is it?
While being in a state of not knowing may feel like a curse, a failing or an emergency, it’s not. Nor is it a sign of some kind of mental deficiency, personality flaw or energy block.
Not knowing is in fact a holy state, full of infinite possibility and heightened creativity. It’s a divine intervention, one that asks you to wait, trust and explore the mystery unfolding. It’s a wide open field of freedom where you’re no longer shackled by the narrow limitations of your well-meaning mind or your past experience. It’s an invitation to let go, float, not know, and be open to what wants to rise up from the depths of you.
You may be thinking, “Well, it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way!”
But that’s because of resistance. It’s our resistance, judgment and aversion to not knowing that makes it uncomfortable and something to fix. It’s our resistance that cuts us off from the deeper knowing, creativity, and emerging possibilities trying to rise up from the state of not knowing and into our experience.
Let Me Tell You a Little Story
A dear friend of mine called me a few weeks ago because she was so conflicted about her relationship with a man she loves deeply, a man who loves her completely. Their relationship is unlike anything I’ve ever heard of outside of a Greek myth or fairy tale. Their heart connection is so rich and strong, so undeniable and ever-deepening, that they can literally spend days together in an enchanted ecstasy of pure Love.
No lie.
Sure, they have issues and disagreements. But when the dust settles, those eruptions only serve to deepen their level of intimacy, their commitment, and their own individual knowing of who they are and what’s important.
Sounds divine, yes? It is.
But for my friend, it was also a source of confusion.
Because she couldn’t help thinking that this man was not the man to give her the life she truly wanted. He lacked certain practical and social qualities she wanted in a life partner.
I won’t go into the whole, multi-layered story because it is incredibly complex. All you need to know is that my friend was in a kind of self-made hell because she desperately wanted to know! Is he or isn’t he the one? And if he’s the one, does that mean she has to give up on other things she wants for herself? And if he’s not the one, does she start seeing other men? And if she starts seeing other men… you get the idea.
She so wanted to know what to do. But the truth was… she didn’t know.
And that was perfect.
I told her, “There’s nothing to do here. There’s no decision you need to make. You don’t know. Great! Then don’t know. Just be in’don’t know.'”
Luckily, this friend of mine gets the value of not knowing so she didn’t cuss me out and slam down the phone. Instead, she listened when I told her:
“Your mind desperately wants you to decide, right now, because your mind hates indecision. To your mind, the unknown is the enemy, to be feared and fought and conjured at all costs. But if you tell your mind to take a chill pill and let yourself float in this state of not knowing, if you can be curious instead of desperate to know now, this relationship of yours will get to evolve in ways you may not even be able to comprehend right now.”
When we try to know before we know, when we make a decision in order to ease the discomfort of not deciding, we’re seriously cheating ourselves of all the unseen, yet-to-reveal-themselves possibilities that want to emerge and make themselves known.
We limit our experiences to only what we’ve known or can define from our past instead of exploring what wants to be created in our soon-to-be present.
We also cut off the flow of our creativity because we’re so focused on trying to know and be certain, to paint within the lines and come up with something safe and acceptable, that we disinvite the extraordinary, the new, the revolutionary.
So, when you find yourself in a state of not knowing, when you are desperate for clarity, certainty, or a sign from above… chill out. Surrender. And trust that something is about to emerge. Something your mind can’t grock right now.
Tell yourself, “Wow, I don’t know. I really don’t. How friggin’ cool is that!?”
Stay open to whatever urges and impulses arise, and follow them. Without needing to know where they’ll lead or if they’ll lead anywhere at all.
Trust yourself. Trust the mystery. And do your best to stop courting to the rants of your need-to-know mind and instead, drop deep into your heart. Feel what’s true for you in just this moment. That’s really all you need to know.
This is one of the things I’ve come to appreciate the most about “the holy state of not knowing.” It renders our bossy, know-it-all minds helpless so a greater wisdom can arise, take center stage and be heard. It asks us to let go and wander in a vast landscape of creative wildness and surprising possibilities. And to trust that we’ll be led.
Listen. Trust. Explore. Don’t know.
Oh, and my friend?
She and her beloved, by staying in the “don’t know” and in communication, discovered a new and exciting way to move forward with an even stronger sense of commitment to their relationship and each other. I’m so happy for both of them.