When something feels off to you… when something’s bugging you, or when someone does something or says something, or doesn’t do something that hurts you or upsets you or pisses you off or shuts you down, speak to it.
Say something about it. Don’t tuck it inside and let it fester. Don’t carry it around and wonder about it. Or talk to somebody else and complain about it. Speak to the other person involved. Give yourself and that other person the chance to clear the air, to get clear, to become aware, to create a stronger connection between the two of you, and then let it go.
Now you can’t do this with everybody, but you can with the people in your life who are important to you: your friends, your family, your spouse, your clients. Yes, even your clients! When you feel something’s off, speak to it. If something happens and it’s bugging you, if it’s hurting you, if it’s making you angry, speak to it. Don’t just shut it than inside and carry it around with you.
When you feel something’s off, speak to it. If something happens and it’s bugging you, if it’s hurting you or making you angry, speak to it. Don’t just shut it down and carry it around with you.
Now you want to do this in a skillful way, right? You do it by taking responsibility for what you feel or for what you noticed. This isn’t about blaming someone or making them wrong. It’s about expressing your perception, your observations and your feelings with the intention of opening up a conversation where the other person can express what’s true for them.
I’ve recently had two really good examples of this, just in the past two weeks.
One was with my sister. We were having a conversation and I was getting very enthusiastic about what she was sharing. I started talking about excuses and how to get rid of them so we can go for what we really want. But as I was talking, I could see her moving back and shutting down. So, I spoke to it.
I said, “What’s going on?” She said she was just tired. But I didn’t buy it. And as I opened the space for us to talk about it, my sister realized that my enthusiasm was not inspiring her; it was making her feel overwhelmed; it made her feel like she wasn’t doing enough.
If we hadn’t spoken to it in that moment, if we’d just said, “Oh well, let’s order another cup of coffee and move on,” I would have never known that. I would have never known that my enthusiasm shuts her down. Once we spoke to it, I got to see that. AND it made me understand other instances where I’d spoken to her and she reacted in a similar way.Also, it may help me see how I might be doing that to other people and not even knowing it. It was so incredibly valuable to speak to it in the moment.
Also, it may help me see how I might be doing this to other people and not even knowing it. It was so incredibly valuable to speak to it in the moment.
Another example was… I got my heart slapped hard by somebody. I was really hurting. I was just going to suffer through the sting of it. But I didn’t. I actually wrote to the other person and said what was true for me. I took responsibility for what I was feeling, and voiced it. By doing that I felt so much better. I felt liberated from that hurt. I felt so much stronger in what I knew to be true and who I am. I also felt like I was giving that other person the chance to be as honest as I was being as well.
By doing so, I felt so much better. I was liberated from that hurt, and I felt so much stronger in what I knew to be true. I also knew I was giving the other person a chance to be honest and share his truth as well.
Speak to it with your clients, too! When something is going on, when you sense something between you and your client, when you feel something’s off, speak to it. Ask about it. Give them a chance to tell you what’s going on. Open that door by speaking to what it is you notice or sense.
Speak to it in your copy, too!
When you write to your clients, you have to anticipate what their response or their reaction might be, because they’re not sitting there in front of you.
For instance, when you’re writing a sales page. You may be romping and rolling and going “Woo hoo!” But your client may be thinking, “Eh, I’m not sure. I don’t know if I really believe what this person is telling me.” You need to anticipate that ambivalence and doubtfulness and… speak to it! Speak to it in your copy. Soothe those objections. Address and relieve those doubts.
Let them know that you see them and you understand that they may have doubts or feel unsure… for whatever reason.
When you speak to what you notice in the moment, to what it is you feel, you open the opportunity to make it right. You bring it out into the open and shine a light on it so you can see what’s true, not just for you but for the other person. You get a chance to really let it go, and to grow, and to expand, and to create a stronger connection, a stronger foundation of understanding, between you and that other person.
You also liberate and strengthen your voice – your ability to express what’s true for you in a way that’s skillful. It’s not about blaming someone else. You’re just stating what’s true, what you notice, what you feel in that moment. Don’t pass up those opportunities to express that, to own your voice, and to own what’s true for you.
You also show respect for the other person when you do this. When you speak to it, you’re telling them that you trust them. You trust their ability to hear it, understand it, and respond by expressing what’s true for them. You trust that they can meet you there and create more connection, rather than more separation.
Maybe right now there’s something that doesn’t feel quite right to you. Something may be itching underneath your skin. Maybe something happened recently. Maybe it’s a long-term itch that is festering yet you keep it to yourself and say nothing.
Speak to it. Whether it’s a client or someone in your family or a friend. Speak to it.
Give it a chance to come into the light and be transformed so you can be free of it and move on, and create an opening for further connection and understanding.