by guest blogger, Kathleen Watson
I’ve always been amused and impressed by Kathleen Watson‘s writing on her own blog, Stepping Into Big, so I asked her if she’d be willing to write a special article for the Firecracker blog. When she accepted, I was thrilled! Then, when I read her final draft, I was in stitches! I hope you enjoy this as much as I did.
As you well know, there’s a ton of competition out there these days. Not for business, but for the title of Most Ineffectual Marketing Message Ever. If you’re in the running for this title, these ten tips will help you create such lame marketing messages that people will be ignoring you in droves.
1. Make it all about “I”, “me”, and “mine”. You know how completely cool you and your company are—so why should you be shy about tooting your own horn? Forget about addressing the concerns of your customers. It’s your website, your marketing materials, so you get to be the star. (Hot Tip: You’ll know you’re doing a good job following this guideline if your use of “I”, “me” and “my” overpowers your use of “you” and “your” in your marketing messages.)
2. Focus on what you like to do instead of worrying about what your prospects want. You got into business to do what you like on your own terms. Why should you let customers dictate what you offer and how you offer it? If they don’t like it, there’s the door. (Just leave your money behind before you leave….)
3. Talk talk talk talk talk talk talk. It’s such fun, isn’t it, to take charge of an in-person or virtual conversation? Who wants to turn over the reins by asking questions and—Gasp!—listening to the answers? Listening is for wimps. Strong business owners talk and tell—every chance they get.
4. Make assumptions whenever possible. You’ve been in this field for a while now, so you know what’s important to your prospective clients—obviously. Why waste time asking about problems they’re willing to pay you to solve? Like that’s going to do you any good.
5. Go into minute detail about what your products and processes look like. You’ve spent a lot of time developing your processes, products, and services, and you damn well deserve to pat yourself on the back by describing them in loving detail. If a prospect can’t figure out how those products and services benefit them, it’s their tough luck.
6. Don’t worry about having a goal for your marketing. Really, now. Why would you waste your valuable time figuring out what outcome you want your marketing to produce for you? Get creative! Go crazy! All marketing is good marketing, right? And surely some of the messages will get through to people and pry money from their tight fists.
7. Use as many acronyms and industry buzz words as possible to show how knowledgeable you are. If a prospect is so clueless as to not know what your favorite buzz words mean, do you really want to work with them? One of the joys of owning your own business is exercising your ego in public, and you can’t do that if you avoid jargon and speak to the lowest common denominator. Get real!
8. Make sure your prospects have to crawl through virtual glass to connect with you. There’s so much talk of search engine optimization, making it easy for your ideal clients to find you online, being careful to follow-up promptly, answering the telephone, for heaven’s sake…It’s enough to make your head explode. Just print up a few business cards and slap a static website up there; that’s good enough for anyone.
9. Have lots of core messages to keep from getting pigeon-holed. Is there anything more boring than focusing on a “core competency”? Isn’t that just another way of saying you only do one or two things really well and suck at everything else? Don’t be a “Johnny/Jenny One-Note”! It’s important that your marketing conveys your desire to be all things to all people.
10. Use dry, factual, emotionless language. Business is all about the numbers, the bottom line, the nuts and bolts, right? Please don’t fall prey to those bleeding-heart marketing consultants that encourage you to appeal first to your prospects’ emotions, then to their intellect. They’ll try to tell you that people decide emotionally, then justify those decisions rationally; they’ll argue that your marketing messages need to speak to both heart and head. But what do they know?
Follow these guidelines closely, and I guarantee that you’ll be able to successfully camouflage your very expensive hobby so it looks like a real business. The disguise will be so effective, you’ll even fool yourself.
Kathleen Watson is a hand-holding, butt-kicking implementation specialist who shows her clients how to move from big ideas to big actions to big results. You can get a free copy of her 15-page workbook, the Take Action Now System™, by going to www.SteppingIntoBig.com.
Note from Nancy: Kathleen is my accountability partner, colleague and friend, and I know, from personal experience, that she’s a never-ending source of insight, quick-witted wisdom and feisty energy. If you like this post, you’ll love her own blog at SteppingIntoBig.com. (Oh, and if you’re ever struggling to take action and implement your own great ideas, she’s always up for kick-your-butt phone call.)