Two weeks ago, a meteor fell out of the sky, hit my house and destroyed everything within a 10,000 mile radius.
Okay, not really. But that’s how it felt.
What really happened was the man I’ve loved, adored and lived with, happily, for the past 5 years told me he was in love with someone else.
It was like begin hit upside the head with a two by four. Repeatedly.
At first, I was in shock. I couldn’t stop trembling. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. And the simplest things, like opening a door, putting on my clothes or standing up seemed… impossible. And senseless. Pointless.
But I had a ton of work to do. People who were depending on me. Clients with demands and deadlines. How could I possibly do the work I needed to do when I couldn’t focus or string two words together?
I was in a crippling amount of pain, suffering from shock and sick with grief. But so what? The world kept turning. I had work to do and bills to pay.
So, how do you keep working, creating, or even existing when your heart has been sliced open, you’re strangled with sadness and nothing in your world makes sense any more? Except a bottle of cognac and lots of sleeping pills?
Here are a few things I’ve learned over the past two weeks. I pray you will never have to refer to these tips. But in case a meteor hits your house, or you come to a place where life feels impossible yet you know you must carry on, these tips may help you.
How to Keep Working When You and Your World Falls Apart
Tip #1: Just…Don’t.
If you truly don’t feel you can do good work or serve your clients well, and you can put the world on hold for a while, do it. You may want to keep working because it feels normal and familiar at a time when everything has violently changed. If so, go for it!
But if you’re really struggling, if you really can’t do what you need to do, don’t. Stop. Let your clients know that you’ve experienced a personal loss that has altered your schedule and you need to extend that deadline. Do what you need to to take care of yourself first.
Tip #2: Tiny, bite-sized bits
Decide to work in small, 10-15 minute segments. Tell yourself, “Okay, I’m just going to pull myself together for the next 10 minutes, get as focused as I can, and work for just 10 minutes. Then, I can fall apart again if I need to.”
I found I could hold my focus for short stretches before the fear, anxiety and sadness would make my head spin and my heart stop. In those short segments, I actually did some pretty good work. But I gave myself permission to stop and start, stop and start, stop and start.
Tip #3: You’re Okay Right Now
Stay in the present moment as much as you can. Remember that right now, here, in this moment, you’re okay. You may feel like shit. You may feel like dying. But in this moment, in just this moment, you are safe. You’re okay.
Sometimes, when tragedy or trauma strike, the pain is not what messes us up. Rather, it’s the fear of what might happen as a result of that tragedy or trauma. The mind spins out with horror stories, imaginings and scenarios that only increase our suffering and keep us crippled, scared and small.
But when you come back to the just this moment, you can still feel whatever you feel without letting it stop you.
Tip #4: Love Baths, Baby
Soak yourself in Love. When you’re trying to push through, attend to your responsibilities and do your work, and you feel like you’re about to come apart at the seams, stop. Again, stop!
Walk away from what you’re doing, sit or lie down and imagine that you’re floating in a giant bath of Divine Love — the Love of God or Source or the Angels…. whatever spiritual name you want to give to That Which Is Only Love. Soak it in!
Love is always available. Real Love. True Love. Divine Love. And quite honestly, while I found cognac and sleeping pills to be healing for about 2 days, it was Love alone that fed me, lifted me up and kept me going.
Tip #5: Ask for Help
I swear to you, the only reason I can even write this post and feel as whole as I do is because of my friend Diane. Over these past 2 weeks, I have reached out to her consistently. When the pain, fear and loneliness would consume me, I would call 911-Diane, and she would be there for me.
Sometimes, all I needed was to simply hear her voice for 40 seconds. That’s it. Just enough to know I wasn’t alone. Her presence, her willingness to be with me at the worst time of my life, was all I needed to feel restored, sane and able to go on.
My other friends Debra, Sari, Blair (who would pull me out of my lonely house and let me work with her), Laura and so many other lovely loves got me through the worst of it.
Reach out to those who love you. Those who can stand by you, support you and just BE THERE as you move through the pain, trauma and grief.
And… you may be surprised to find that those whom you thought could hold you and be there for you are not the ones who can. When this drama fell down on me, I never thought Diane would be the one to keep me afloat. But she was.
So, stay open. Reach out. You will know who can best support you and who can’t. Ask for their help. Do not try to go it alone.
It’s been two weeks and two days since the meteor hit my house. The man I loved and was committed to has since moved out, and there’s a big, huge space where he and all his stuff used to be. The house echoes with emptiness. But you know what? I’m okay. I’m working. In fact, in some ways, I’m doing some of my best work ever.
But I take it bit by bit, moment by moment. And when I need a friend, I reach out.