There’s a great little restaurant in the funky one-street town of Graton, CA, called Underwood Restaurant . They serve small plates of delectable creations and a long list of high-priced, Sonoma County wines by the glass. Cozy, a little noisy, but very friendly and fun.
More than seven years ago, I sat in a corner booth at the Underwood with my thoughtful, funny, Buddhist friend Judith. We were discussing the strange and convoluted relationship we each have with our creative passions… my passion being singing and music, hers being writing short stories. We confessed that while these creative pursuits felt essential to who we are and deeply important in our lives, we always seem to find a way to avoid doing them.
I remember saying something to Judith like, “It’s so odd to feel as if nothing is more important to me than singing yet, at the same time, when it comes time for me to go into the studio and practice, all I feel is a big, whiny ‘I don’t wanna!’” And while we laughed about it at the time, we were also a little sad. Because we knew that “I don’t wanna” keeps us from moving into what we love the most.
Now, so many years later, I know how to quickly disregard the “I don’t wanna!” and eagerly jump into those activities that fuel my creativity, my happiness and the growth of my business and my art. But I know that many creative artists and entrepreneurs continue to feel the same way as Judith and I once did. You struggle, at times, to do the work that is calling to you, that creative activity that comes from your heart and expresses your soul, that project that could take your business to the next level, that practice that always fuels your enthusiasm for life.
In Steven Pressfield’s book, The War of Art, he calls that “I don’t wanna” “I’ll do it tomorrow” “maybe next time” voice, Resistance. And he claims it is the enemy of all creative pursuits and the cause of all kinds of human suffering, even physical disease.
But what IS Resistance? If it is this evil force that keeps us small, stuck and unhappy and creatively stagnant, where does it come from? And how in the heck did it get to be so powerful? Why do we let it keep us from what we love… or better said, why do we resist taking action in service to what we love?
I don’t have the perfect answer but I have a few ideas:
The Fear of Wanting Without Getting
In Pressfield’s book, he states that often there is great resistance where there is great love, that creative entrepreneurs and artists tend to have a passionate love for the very thing they resist. Sounds nuts, but not really.
Because there is nothing more heartbreaking than having a passionate desire or love for something you think you can’t have. And for many of us, we are plagued with the fear that we can’t really have what we desire so deeply… whether that be a thriving creative business or a one-woman show that sells out or a finished poem that touches the reader in some way.
Creative people resist their creative expression because they fear the pain that would come if they couldn’t fully realize that expression in the way of which they dream. It’s like anticipatory grief, where we mourn the loss of something we haven’t even begun to experience.
And that old phrase, “Better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all” doesn’t hold water when you’re in that fear of losing your heart’s greatest love.
The Fear of Failure
This is similar yet different to the fear stated above. Rather than harboring the fear you won’t realize your dream, you fear realizing it only to fail in some way. The difference is, the fear of failure usually comes with memories and stories of how others in your field, or how you yourself, have failed in the past. Your uncle who tried to be a concert pianist for 15 years only to give up and open a hardware store. Your brother who loved to cook so he started his own catering business… then filed bankruptcy 3 years later. Or those auditions you went to for numerous off-Broadway show but you never made the cut.
Unlike the fear of wanting what you can’t have, the fear of failure is supported, in your own mind, by facts… even if those facts have nothing to do with who you are now. It is a fear fed by old ghosts, well-meaning but short-sighted parents and all the negative stuff you hear on the radio and see on TV.
The Fear of Taking Forever
I remember telling my friend John Simon, an incredibly talented pianist, that I had to quit taking piano lessons because the way it was going, I wouldn’t be able to play the way I wanted until I was 70 years old. He said, “Well, okay. But since you’re planning on living to be 70 anyway, wouldn’t it be cool to be 70 AND be able to play the piano?”
Sometimes we talk ourselves out of whatever is calling us, even if it sounds fun and juicy, because we think it will take too long a time before we reach any level of proficiency or satisfaction. Like my friend Pam who went on to get her degree in psychology at a very ripe age, knowing she wouldn’t graduate until she was well into her 50s and would be starting her practice when most people are retiring. She said something similar to what John told me: “I’m going to be in my 50s eventually anyway so I might as well be in my 50s doing what I love and what I’m good at.” Yes, ma’am.
Somethings do take a long time. Shoot, if I’d known it would take me this long to get to where I am when it comes to feeling comfortable when performing, I might have quit a long time ago!
But it’s not about the destination. It really is about what you experience along the way. Because here’s the deal. As a creative entrepreneur or artist, once you arrive at your destination, you’ve already got your heart set on yet another. Our goals keep moving, shape-shifting, as we grow and reach and experience life. That’s what being alive is all about.
The Fear of It Being Hard
Sometimes, many times, when I practice singing, it’s hard. I feel like I keep running into creative walls, physical obstacles, vocal idiosyncrasies that make the whole process feel like hiking through thick, sticky mud. It’s a fight, a struggle.
As creative-types, we want ease, flow and heart-swelling satisfaction from doing what we love. And since we’ve all had times, plenty of times, when the process was anything but easy, we can talk ourselves out of diving into the work we need to do. Just to avoid the possibility that the work will feel hard. We tell ourselves, “Oh, I’ll do that tomorrow when I have more energy or more time.”
This is what I know. There are times when it is hard, grueling and discouraging, and there are times when it flows like liquid love. And I also know that those grueling times are an essential part of the process, almost a prerequisite for those times when our creative flow is easy, open and full of possibilities. That discomfort you feel at times is just a sign that you are moving into a new level of skill, proficiency or expansion. Stay tough. Show up. Lean in.
The Fear of Falling in Love
What’s going to happen if you say “Yes!” to that desire to take that video production class and you end up falling madly in love with that medium? What if that love is so strong that everything pales in comparison and you find yourself resenting your work, your family obligations and other responsibilities because all you want to do is create stunning, innovative videos?
Those of us who have fallen madly in love with either a person or a creative medium know just how all-consuming and life-altering this kind of love can be. It can wreck havoc on the steady status quo of your little life. It can make you move to the other side of the world, leave everything you’ve ever known behind.
But it can also wake you up to who you really are and what you really want. Falling in love with your true love, whether it be a person, God, Muse or calling, can also call you home, to your true home, your true self, and allow you to live the life of joy, deep fulfillment and, yes, love.
These are just some of the fears that fortify our Resistance and keep us from taking action on our heart’s desire. Maybe you can think of more.
The important thing to acknowledge about all of them is that they are just scary stories. Some are based on past experiences or things we’ve been told, but nevertheless, they are nothing more than weak justifications to not do the work we love, the work that is calling us.
Are you avoiding the work that is calling you? Do you let any of these fears stop you from doing what you love? Tell me about it here by making a comment below and I’ll do what I can to get you back into the creative flow with ease!