“I just want to be free to be unselfconsciously me!” – Susan K.
Many, many years ago, my friend Susan and I participated in a 3-year Somatic Psychotherapy training. During one of the group sessions, Susan was sharing something when she blurted out the above quote, “I just want to be free to be unselfconsciously me!”
I’ve never forgotten it.
Her exclamation speaks to the craving we all have as human beings to simply be who we really are, without apology, without fear of judgment or rejection or persecution… or any tiny twinge of embarrassment.
And today, on the 4th of July, when we in the United States celebrate freedom, independence and all the ideals set forth by our pretty hip forefathers, it seems apropos to share Susan’s quote with you, and ponder for a moment, are we allowing ourselves to be “unselfconsciously me” in our lives and businesses?
If you’re walking the entrepreneurial path, there’s a good chance that you chose to do so in order to experience more freedom and independence in your work. You wanted to do the work that meant the most to you, work that allowed you to use your natural strengths and abilities. You wanted more freedom, not just in what you do but how you do it. You didn’t want to follow someone else’s rules or align with someone else’s values. You didn’t want to say “yes” when you meant “no” or pretend you were on board when you really wanted to run away. You wanted the freedom to express what’s true for you, without being afraid of getting fired, demoted or seen as strange.
But just how free are you?
You may no longer be working for “the man” or trapped in what one of my client’s calls “corporate hell,” but aren’t you still following someone else’s rules? Those entrepreneurial rules of the road created by other experts who’ve been successful in your field? And do you ever feel imprisoned by the shiny new “business persona” you’ve created, the one that you share with your clients and potential clients so you always appear on-the-ball and at the top of your game?
I’ll speak for myself. The answer is “yes,” as an entrepreneur, I do follow the rules of those great and grand Internet marketing geniuses who’ve walked before me. And most of the time, I do so gratefully. And I do have a business persona that appears a lot more together than how I really feel most of the time. And while I don’t feel imprisoned by either of these things, there are times when I wish I could just drop it and feel “free to be unselfconsciously me” in my business.
There. I said it. Perhaps I’m writing this post for me and me alone, but I don’t think so. Let’s keep going.
First, why wouldn’t you follow the guidance and example of those entrepreneurs who are doing really well, attracting a ton of business and making millions? You’d be fool not to, right?
And why would you want to share or express anything but the best of who you are and what you have to offer? No reason. Except that you could be doing your clients a huge disservice by only sharing your got-it-all-together persona.
Years ago, I had a conversation with Rob Schulz from Blockbuster Multimedia (His business at the time was Audacious Audio). I was feeling down and discouraged, ready to close my business; it wasn’t growing fast enough and I was starting to doubt it would ever take off. Rob told me that all those super famous, super-successful Internet marketing gurus I’ve come to know and love all feel the same way. They all have days when they feel like nothing is working and they’ve made a slew of wrong choices. They just never tell anyone about those days! It’s important for them to always appear as if everything they do turns to gold. Otherwise, why would anyone want to pay them thousands of dollars for their services?
I realized Rob was right.
And I realized that those super-successful gurus do a huge disservice to those who look to them for advice and guidance. By sharing only their triumphs, by always appearing to be full of confidence and magic, they present a false image of what it’s really like to walk the entrepreneurial path. And as a result, when those who look to them fall into days of despair and doubt, they can’t help but think something is horribly wrong with them.
Recently a client of mine was in her own dark night of the entrepreneurial soul. She’d been investing a ton of energy, money and expectation into her business and she wasn’t yet seeing any payoff. As a result, she started to doubt not only her marketing methods but whether she should even be doing the work she loved so much.
I told her that every entrepreneur has days like this, that I, too, have days when I feel so discouraged that I question everything I’m doing. I told her I sometimes feel like such a fraud because even though I love my clients and I love helping them with their marketing message, I have days when I doubt I have anything to offer anyone.
She was surprised. And hugely relieved. Knowing the whole truth was more helpful to her in that moment than any pep talk or let’s-fix-it strategy. She realized that what she was experiencing was a normal bump in the road and not a sign that she should give up and go get a job.
The Impression of Increase
Have you ever heard the term “impression of increase?” This is when, through your marketing or communications, you consciously give the impression that things are getting bigger, better and more ideal in your life and your business so that your potential clients will think you’ve got it going on, that you know the secret to success, and thus, they’ll trust you to show how to do the same.
Ever since I learned the term, I’ve seen examples of this “impression” everywhere! In the email newsletters I receive, in blog posts, in sales pages, in the introductions of teleclasses. Smart entrepreneurs use it because it works. And because they’ve been told to do so by other smart, successful entrepreneurs.
And while the impression of increase makes good marketing sense, there is something about this practice that turns my stomach just a bit. Because the truth is we all experience times of great abundance and plenty and we all experience times when it’s tight and scary.
No path to success is a straight line from less to more. It’s a crazy zig-zag of up and down and up and down where you sometimes feel that every step forward comes with 3 steps back. Isn’t it important to share this truth as well… so your clients will know it’s all part of the journey? So they don’t think something’s terribly wrong if they’re not experiencing more and more good stuff every single day?
“What Would You Do If I Sang Out of Tune?
Would You Stand Up and Walk Out on Me?”
But there’s another question here, one that goes beyond whether it’s good or bad or helpful to share the whole ugly story of anyone’s experience. The question on my mind is, can we truly feel free to be “unselfconsciously me” in our businesses? Or do we need to hide parts of ourselves in order to succeed or be taken seriously?
I have a friend, Alex, who I met on Twitter. She told me that when she first started reading my tweets, she thought I was such a phony because I was always so cheerful and friendly. “No one is that upbeat!” she thought. But then, when she finally met me in person, she realized that I really am that cheery and friendly.
When she told me this, I immediately freaked out a little. I became self-conscious about what I was tweeting. Was I being too light, bright and Pollyanna-ish? Did others think I was a big, fat phony? Should I pull back and be less ebullient?
These kinds of fears are what keep us from being all of who we are in business. We’re afraid of how we’ll be judged. We’re afraid that others might not like us or they won’t find us trustworthy, especially if we really tell it like it is. We’re afraid to have strong opinions. We might offend a potential client or joint partner. We won’t be invited to the Entrepreneur’s Ball.
It’s like we’re back in high school, trying to be liked, to fit in, to wear the right clothes and say all the right things.
And while I believe that it’s essential to share who we are as people, not just as brands or businesses, if we are to make a true heart-to-heart connection with those we are meant to serve, I’m also cautious about doing so. I’ll admit it. What would you think of me if I were truly free to be unselfconsciously me? If I shared things, like:
My opinions (and yes, I do have some!).
My foul mouth (oh, I can swear like a drunken sailor!).
My fears (I got tons of those, too!)
My deep devoted love for God/Spirit/Creative Source.
What if I told you that:
I have days, a lot of them, when I hate, HATE all social media.
I have even more days when I’m sure I don’t know anything and I’m incapable of helping anyone.
Ever since I moved to New York, over three years ago, I’ve missed my girlfriends back in California terribly, and I feel as if they’ve all forgotten me. And I secretly fear that I never meant that much to them in the first place.
There have been so many times when I wanted to tell everyone on my email list how much I love and care about them, but I don’t. Because I’m afraid you won’t believe me, and you’ll think I’m way too ooey-gooey.
And every time I write a blog post, I’m sure no one will want to read it. I think, “Who cares? Does anyone really need another blog post anyway?”
I tell you all this in honor of my friend Susan and her wonderful quote “I want to be free to be unselfconsciously me,” and in honor of freedom, the 4th of July and my blind trust in you, who you are and who you are becoming.
Happy 4th of July!